I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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