So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
