i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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