I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize