When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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