he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
