I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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