Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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