Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
