Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
