Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
