we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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