After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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