uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
