Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No stitches, just platelets and will power
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
