My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
