id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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