Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
