Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
