I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize