I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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