dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize