you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
