I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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