He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
