He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
