someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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