does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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