Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
