i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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