I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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