Already got asked if we're dating
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Actions speak louder than pants.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
