make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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