Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
