I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
