Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
