i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
