its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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