Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
