i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
