She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
