Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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