So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize