I just pynch a tree in the face
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
