My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
