I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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