I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
40s are totally the cure
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
