His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
be right there i have to get my cape
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
