are you still at the devil's house?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
