Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
