1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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