if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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