return my video game
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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