Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Pooping to opera.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
