I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he told me I talked like a deaf person
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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