my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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