I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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