i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
