Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
