Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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