porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
