if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
